My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
On this egg donor form, it asks "In the past 5 years, have you had sex for drugs or money?" It only gives a yes or no option and no place to explain myself. What do I do?
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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