So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
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