I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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