I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
enter at your own risk
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Randomize