Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
And people are going to start dressing like that in public, it's just ridiculous, the goths and now the GAGAs
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
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