Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
