I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Randomize
