I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
Randomize