I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
What would you say if someone told you they liked your lips?
Which ones?
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
What do you say about some mid-afternoon anal?
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
Randomize
