Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
Randomize
