just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
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