I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
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