At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I just cut my nipple shaving
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
Randomize
