Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
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