if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
