I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
please come you make the beer taste better
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
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