he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
Randomize
