In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
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