He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
