Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
let me put it this way. im never saying "join in or get out" again unless i know whos in the room.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
Randomize
