3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Randomize
