So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
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