Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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