Saw 2 former students outside gas station. gave me money to buy 2 12 packs, asked if I wanted to go to their party.
I told them I had a gf and took one of the 12 packs. Come over.
Texas should really raise its teaching standards.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
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