Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
So, it's like build-a-bear for your vag?
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
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