have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
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