Running into every girl no one would hook up with here at rick's. Typical.
So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Randomize
