Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Randomize
