he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
sarcasm needs its own font
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
