my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize
