She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
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