you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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