There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize