the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize
