pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
Beverly Hills, 90210. Cleveland Browns, 0.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
Randomize
