My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
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