So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Randomize
