look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
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