they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
tonight lets celebrate not being married
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
You can't go around chasing people and screaming JUST LET ME LOVE YOU. We're in a public place.
There is a dude with blue hair and a samurai sword and another dude dressed as Dead Pool. I daresay standard social conventions are not applicable in this environment.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
