she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
