oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
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