Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
Randomize
