Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
Randomize
