3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
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