I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
