I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
the boys love us. they call us "the stoner girl suite down the hall". not very inspired, but flattering nonetheless
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize
