Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
Well my sources tell me she just happens to appear in an episode girls gone wild.
I know someone that will spend hours looking for her. He also has many of said movies. And I will do it for free!
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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