I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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