I wish they made helmets for livers.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Randomize
