Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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