it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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