Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
