well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
I wear drunk well.
Randomize
