Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
