Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
