apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
Its against the rules to not make you aware of his virgin situation prior to penetration
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
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