i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
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