Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
