Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
Randomize
