I think my vagina is haunted
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
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