i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
Randomize
