and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
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