I think I am morally bankrupt
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
Randomize
