I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
my god I love twenty year old dicks
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
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